All Other Issues Resolved, Implies CNN Report on Hentai Manga

CNN Report

Major American news outlet CNN has declared yesterday that America was in such a state of ideal stability that explicit cartoon images from another country are a cause for concern, sources state.

“They may be drawings, but critics say the images found on the pages of some of Japan’s erotic manga are so disturbing they should be banned,” reads the article – written as insurgent activity is dropping in Iraq, veterans are receiving adequate healthcare, and the national deficit is at a 14-year low.

The article admitted that there was no reported link between manga and child abuse, and then inexplicably continued for 472 more words. Among those words is a warning that the material is being used to groom children, unlike media in the United States which is completely devoid of violence or sexuality and has not had any distinguishable effect on minors.

Now that the disturbing rise in school violence has been taken care of, CNN reports, Americans should concern themselves with Japanese comic books. The article claims that in Japan, whose crime rate has been falling for 11 consecutive years, “cuteness is a problem.”

“Manga permeates Japanese culture. It can be seen everywhere, from street signs to government pamphlets,” the article states, hoping to give subscribers something interesting to read now that the Benghazi incident, climate change, and violence in Ukraine have apparently been resolved.

Pictured: the enemy of civilization

Lolicon manga artist Sasahara Yuuki is not particularly concerned about any potential legislation. “It’s fine; I’ll just make all my loli characters vampires. If there’s anything I’ve learned from SHAFT anime, it’s how cute vampires can be.”

“If they are really fussy I’ll even mark them with a label, put it in the disclaimer, or work it into the dialogue” Sasahara told Anime Maru. “Oh yeah, pound my 2,500-year-old ***** for the first time, onii-chan.”

Sasahara continued explaining his idea of a Benjamin Button doujinshi as our interviewer left the room.

An expert asserts that explicit manga and hentai are dangerous because, “the pedophiles might bring the animation and say ‘this is how you practice with adults’,” noting there is simply no other way to trick children and that without these cartoons all child abuse would stop.

“Is it just a fantasy, or maybe some people with a bit of a wrong mind think that is actually there, and that is the way to treat women. So there is a risk,” the article about the country with the lowest rate of sexual assault among developed nations concludes.

At press time, CNN has declined to an interview with Anime Maru, stating they are too busy covering the Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 story.

About the author

Editor-in-Chief, CEO, and Fearless Leader of Anime Maru. He was trained by the North Korean People's Institute of Journalism and Media. kevo follows voice actresses on Twitter and pretends to understand their Japanese tweets. Twitter: @kevo31415