Amazon Discontinues Anime Strike, Focuses on Global Domination Instead

Amazon announced this week the discontinuation of their Anime Strike video service, the company’s $5 monthly subscription service that allowed users to stream great anime series such as Himouto! Umaru-chan R and My Girlfriend is Shobitch. The service, which received criticism for requiring two subscriptions in order to access, barely made it a year before being killed off by Amazon. Content previously exclusive to Anime Strike will now be officially integrated into the company’s main Amazon Prime service, much to the joy of fans.

“Instead of spending our efforts on targeting minor sub genres of content, Amazon will be working towards controlling all aspects of human consumption as we know it,” an official Amazon spokesperson stated. “Whether it is purchasing a Blu-ray, shopping for merchandise, or streaming a video, Amazon should be the first thing on every person’s mind when any need arises.”

When our correspondent inquired for more information as to what this would entail, he was unable to receive further comment. Our correspondent was later found in a large cardboard box shipped with free two-day shipping back to our office.

In a company press release, Amazon stated that it plans to make every American man, woman, and child a Prime member by the year 2023. Amazon also teased exclusive benefits and shipping deals for a service still in the works which the company is calling “The Prime State”. CEO Jeff Bezos, who referred to citizens as “Bezonites” in his address, declared his excitement for the company’s accomplishments so far and stated to shareholders his optimism for more expansion in the future.

In the meantime, customers can look forward to a larger selection on Prime Video as well as fast, free delivery on over 50 million items available with Amazon Prime. If you would like to support our publication, please consider using our affiliate link: https://www.amazon.com/?_encoding=UTF8&linkCode=ple4sehe1pmE-am4z0nhaSbuGgedmy0fFice

 

 

 

 

 

 

Please help. I haven’t been able to leave my house in nearly two weeks. The one they call ‘Alexa’ is always listening. I can’t even get food at the local Whole Foods as that isn’t even safe anymore. Mysterious packages keep arriving every two days. I don’t even remember ordering anything anymore. Each morning I’ll wake up with more orders supposedly done on my account. No one will listen to me. They think I’ve gone mad when I tell them the end of all independent choice is coming. They’ve already taken over books. The TV and music will be next. The internet is my last outlet, but even there Amazon Web Services is constantly monitoring my every keystroke. They are coming for me and I am afraid it may be too late….

About the author

Sustaining on instant noodles and a wavering DSL connection, it is uncertain how Vestro has continued to survive let alone still form a cognitive thought. Regardless, he still manages to come out of his soba induced coma now and then. He can be found spending his time pretending to understand Japanese media as well as picking up the remaining shards of his broken dreams.