Anime Maru’s Guide to Super Bowl 50

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This Sunday, America will sit in front of its television and watch Super Bowl 50. If you’ve been invited to a party, but know nothing about football because you haven’t watched anything non-2D in years, we at Anime Maru have created a helpful guide to this year’s contest between Denver and Carolina.

  • American Football, for those new to the game, seems very dragged out. Though there are only four 15-minute halves, the action repeatedly stops and seemingly unrelated things happen and go on for a while. So basically it’s a very sped up shounen sports anime.
  • Teams try to get the ball to the other end of the field. If a team is successful it is called a touchdown which is worth 6 points. And then they get 1 point if they then do the thing that’s worth 3 points unless they decide to get 2 points if they do the thing that gets 6 points again but if the defense does the thing that gets 6 points it’s worth 2 points unless the momentum of the ball is generated by the offense in that case they get the ball and the offense is charged 2 strokes for grounding their club in the hazard during an infield fly, which if caught results in an icing violation and after four of those (or two technical fouls, whichever comes first) the game continues until someone catches the snitch or four wickets fall. Basically the offense needs to get the ball past the yellow line on TV.
  • If it ever feels weird to you that other people get so worked up about sports, recall how you felt when your imaginary ships sank in a browser game.
  • Carolina’s mascot is a Panther and Denver’s mascot is a Bronco. They play no roles in any transformation scenes.
  • Peyton Manning is the Broncos quarterback. He is old. Though he is one of the great quarterbacks in history, at age 39, he’s considered too old to be an elite football player, just like how an idol is no good once they reach age 24 no matter how great she used to be.
  • Cam Newton is the Panthers quarterback. He is young and fiery. He’s like a loli idol, full of energy and dancing all over the place.
  • Kindly ask the other people at the party if it’s ok to watch the game with subtitles. Don’t press the issue if they prefer the dub.
  • Fans often wear their favorite player’s jersey when watching the game. Think of it as cosplay.
  • It is not polite to take out your glowstick and start chanting during the halftime show. Nobody cares that you know all the chants to “Viva la Vida”.
  • QB stands for quarterback. Not the other thing. Please don’t joke about it, everyone has heard it a million times.
  • If football isn’t your thing, lots of people like to watch the commercials because capitalism has won.
  • Super Bowl-winning teams call themselves “World Champions”. This is of course ridiculous to claim as they never even faced off against the Deimon Devil Bats of Eyeshield 21.

About the author

Editor-in-Chief, CEO, and Fearless Leader of Anime Maru. He was trained by the North Korean People's Institute of Journalism and Media. kevo follows voice actresses on Twitter and pretends to understand their Japanese tweets. Twitter: @kevo31415