IOC Officials ‘Baffled’ that Japanese High School Basketball Players are not Doping

IOC Official 'baffled'

TOKYO — An International Olympics Committee official who attended a series of games during the ongoing high school basketball Winter Cup says that he is “baffled” none of the players is taking any performance enhancing drugs.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said the official, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I saw a kid who could hit 3-pointers from the edge of the court with perfect accuracy, another who could copy other people’s style of play with the utmost precision, and someone who seemed to be dribbling at the speed of light as he ran past his opponents. What?!”

The official said he spoke with Winter Cup officials who are in charge of drug testing for the tournament. As far as any of the tests show, not a single player is guilty of blood doping.

“It’s unbelievable,” the official said. “How do you do any of what I saw without lots and lots of illegal, dangerous drugs? It’s unfathomable.”

Despite what the Winter Cup officials told him, the IOC official doesn’t believe the players are innocent. There was one player in particular who stood out to the official, in a manner of speaking. The player in question, Tetsuya Kuroko, could go entire games without being noticed; however, when he received the ball, he could unleash a move, which he has termed the “Vanishing Drive,” to make it seem as if he disappears while driving to the basket, only to reappear and make a pass.

“I don’t even know what kind of steroids you’d have to inject to do that,” the IOC official said.

None of the players in the tournament responded for requests to comment, except for Kuroko, who could not be found for comment. The IOC is expected to launch a full investigation.

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Emerging from the ultraviolent urban sprawl of the 1980s, Shinmaru is the Angel Cop, the 34th Mad Bull, the Wing of Garzey, and The Almighty King of the Street. His taste is total trash. Twitter: @Shinmaru