TOKYO — In one of the most controversial decisions in Japanese history, the National Diet of Japan enacted a permanent ban on all drawn media.
The ban came after a call by the Japanese government to investigate decades of declining national birth rates and a general disinterest in sex and procreation by the people of Japan. The subsequent published studies found that drawn media (anime, manga, doujinshi, visual novels, etc.) were a direct cause.
“We conducted fMRI scans of millions of Japanese people of varying ages, regions, socioeconomic classes, and genders. What we found was surprising, but not completely unexpected,” explained Yungo Karusuke, Head Researcher of Behavioral Psychology at Tokyo University. “The brains of the subjects while observing drawn media were identical to those with addictions to pornography.”
Law makers cited the multitude of articles online that vehemently link porn addiction to performance anxiety, erectile dysfunction, and a general lack of interest in sex with potential, real-life partners. Despite the lack of studies that conclusively demonstrate such a correlation, the ban was unanimously voted into law upon the rationale that the public’s severe addiction to drawn media was the direct cause of the current negative birth rate.
Some legislators call for more extreme measures such as the imprisonment of character designers and artists throughout Japan, stating that their characters were designed to be “too cute, too sexy, and with outfits that were entirely unfair. I mean, I could never find a girl as hot as Meat or who wears outfits like Shimakaze’s. God forbid she would roleplay as Kirino in the bedroom. I have been ruined for marriage.”
Female Japanese are not excluded from the phenomenon. Men across the country have reported not having had sex in years due to not being the tenacious demon leader of the Dai-Gurren Brigade. Others said that they hadn’t felt any sex drive since their girlfriends tried to make them roleplay as little boys of rich families that drown in sexual tension with their suspiciously demonic butlers.
Nationwide outrage followed the public announcement of the ban. Within hours, the whole of the Japanese population flooded into anime shops and book stores to salvage the last vestiges of drawn media. The ensuing chaos of millions of desperate Japanese flooding into Akihabara was so destructive that the entirety of the ward of Tokyo burned to the ground.