WASHINGTON D.C. — A new government document released on WikiLeaks last weekend reportedly contains a list of United States National Security Agency employees and their usernames for the website MyAnimeList. The document is allegedly among the many that Edward Snowden leaked several months ago, but it was only recently decrypted. Investigations of the corresponding anime lists revealed that the NSA has astonishingly terrible taste.
Though the list of MAL usernames may seem innocuous relative to Snowden’s previously leaked documents, there has been significant backlash. “How can these people judge who might be linked to terrorist activity if that can’t even judge that Onii-chan no Koto Nanka Zenzen Suki Janain Dakara ne!! is garbage. I can’t believe we actually gave all that data to these plebes,” said AT&T CEO Randall Stephenson, “Oh god, this person’s favorite anime is Chaos;Head. I’m going to be sick.”
President Barack Obama held a press conference in response to the widespread outrage, stating that this deficit in taste is limited to the NSA. He assured the public that the rest of the US government has at least decent taste, citing that he’s had many conversations with Speaker of the House John Boehner about Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magica and how Akemi Homura is the best.
Evidence reveals that the NSA has harvested millions of MAL usernames from all across the internet. The NSA plans to utilize this data to understand the tendencies of terrorists, and identify potential terrorists by anime taste. A leaked NSA presentation explains that “if the subject rated Magi above a 5 and Code Geass above a 6, it is 95% likely they are involved in jihadist activities targeting the Western world.”
Controversially, American citizens and citizens of allied nations were also targeted by this surveillance. This has caused much tension between the United States’ closest allies, including German Chancellor Angela Merkel, who said “what I think of Love Lab is nobody’s business.” Protests around the world have sprung up, accusing the NSA of violating fundamental freedoms, invading personal privacy, and “liking ecchishit”.
Furthermore, worldwide intelligence experts expressed doubt at the effectiveness of such a program. “How can the NSA identify the anime terrorists like when their own taste in anime is such utter trash?” asked Jon Corezzeo, professor at Providence University.
Former whistleblower Daniel Ellsberg hailed Snowden as a hero, saying that Snowden “has done this nation a great service by revealing that we put our trust into these individuals who have no idea what a good anime is. Someone who likes iDOLM@STER Xenoglossia better than the A-1 Pictures version has no business working in intelligence gathering.”
“No one should be judged by their taste in anime,” stated United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights Navi Pillay. “Especially not by these boorish philistines who wouldn’t know a good anime if it hit them on the head.”