Today’s guest article is courtesy of Truthless. You can find him on Twitter at @Truthless_Jere
PARIS, TX — A local teenager has expressed frustration and disappointment after his efforts to emulate My Teen Romantic Comedy SNAFU male protagonist Hikigaya Hachiman have seemingly come to naught.
“I just don’t get it,” Lance Burdeau, an 18-year-old student told Anime Maru, “I acted exactly like Hachiman for an entire semester, but I didn’t end up with a harem!”
Burdeau recalled his rigorous efforts to embody the lifestyle of the isolated, friendless Hachiman, describing in detail the daily routine that didn’t lead to his social success. “For an entire semester, I would wake up each day and try to convince myself that I didn’t think of my younger sister in a sexual way. It was hard, since otherwise those thoughts were pretty out in the open between the two of us.”
“At school, I made sure to eat my lunch at my desk, alone, trying to avoid any confrontation with other people. Hell, I tried not to even talk to the other guys in the class.” Burdeau explained, applying a thick layer of gel to the forced stray clump of hair at the top of his head, something that our reporter was unable to stop him from doing during the interview.
“At the start of the semester, I spoke to the guidance counselor at school to find out what the least populated club was, joined it, and then reluctantly went to it every day. I showed up each day, just like Hachiman and sat away from the rest of the group, ignoring them all. The other members stopped showing up before I did.”
During the interview, there were extended periods where Burdeau began smirking and laughing without saying any words, seemingly indulging in some internal monologue which he would not explain.
Later, Burdeau began discussing the various crushes he had in his class. “I chose two girls – just like in Oregairu season 1. One girl had black hair, the other had blonde because I couldn’t convince any of the girls to dye their hair Yui’s colour of orange. It was terrible though – no one came up to start a conversation with me while I was having lunch.”
Burdeau seemed most confused during the interview when discussing a male friend from his school, whom he initially called Totsuka, but blushingly began to call him Tim. “T-Tim was the closest I got to being Hachiman. I felt as confused about him as I did about hiding my thoughts for my sister.”
After this, he explained that he would approach any conversation by one of his peers with sarcastic, snide remarks, and try to dismiss them by insulting them and forcing them away from him.
Burdeau says he has no intentions of stopping his attempts to emulate fictional emotionally confused, insecure high schoolers. “I do not yet despair – this semester was suffering, but I’m pretty experienced with suffering – I’ve watched Madoka Magica. I trust that next semester, a new girl will show up at my school, and then all the girls will notice me.”