Man Commits Suicide in Desperate Ploy to Achieve Harem

Suicide Squall

PHOENIX, AZ — 23 year old man David Barbano was found dead in his house in what appeared to be a last effort to achieve his life goal of building a harem. Close friends reported that he always dreamed of having his own harem held in the same high esteem as that of Nisekoi.

Barbano’s death was revealed to be a directly influenced by the currently airing anime Re:Zero. Barbano’s suicide note explains, “Re:Zero was always just a ploy to get all the girls. But after years of failure, anything is worth a try.”

It appeared that Barbano did indeed have a girlfriend but continuously failed to expand the female count beyond one. “They would always break up with me before I could get to two. They alleged it was ‘cheating’”. Barbano lamented in his letter, each word heavy with a drawn out angst.

Members of the anime community reacted to Barbano’s suicide with distaste. One MAL user oniisan79 wrote in a thread, “even though some guys like Subaru just have all the luck in the world, you need to accept that the rest of us simply aren’t good enough; the world hasn’t chosen us to be the ones to be granted with unlimited revivals until every girl is won over. Those who commit suicidethat’s just weak and tasteless. Look at all the other guys who obey Emiya Shirou’s postulate of life. They get a harem on the first go. If you truly wanted it, you just have to work harder, not follow some voodoo method like killing yourself.”

Barbano ended his letter with hopeful thoughts: “I can’t help but hope that it’ll be me. Even though I’m far too old for it and avoid helping people as much as I can, the world might just choose me to be the one who gets to live again and again.”

The funeral was held earlier this week, where Barbano’s body was cremated with no signs of return.

About the author

Part time hibernator and professional computer starer. She likes the three minutes you have to wait after you pour water in a ramen cup and hates cute anime mascot creatures. Twitter: @Dango_Ramen