Mario and Sonic Banned from 2018 Olympic Games

Shortly before the opening ceremony of the 2018 Winter Olympics in PyeongChang, the International Olympic Committee announced that in addition to their previously announced ban of Russia for their use of doping, they would also be banning Mario and Sonic.

Mario and Sonic, who first competed in the 2008 Beijing Olympics representing Japan, have competed in every Summer and Winter Olympics since and have faced numerous controversies due to their team’s unprecedented success. The team has competed in sports including athletics, gymnastics, and speed skating — frequently taking up the top slots in every event.

Critics have accused Mario and Sonic for blatantly ignoring the rules of every event they’ve participated in. Jamie Langenbrunner, the captain of the United States Men’s Hockey team in 2010, filed a formal complaint that Mario’s team had only played for 60 seconds per period, stating, “This is supposed to be the peak of athleticism, not a series of minigames!”

After countless inquires, the IOC ultimately banned Mario and Sonic from the 2018 Games due to suspicion regarding their almost supernatural abilities.

“Sonic claims to be some sort of hedgehog, but his strange blue fur and conjoined eyeballs have always raised suspicions,” The official report published by the IOC read in part. “We have recently come across footage of him from 2006 going way faster than should be reasonably possible. We believe he has been intentionally downplaying his abilities in order to compete in the Olympic Games.”

“Additionally, Mario runs faster and jumps higher than should be possible for a man with his build,” the report continued. “After detailed drug testing, it was determined that the source of his athleticism was previously unknown illicit mushrooms.”

A separate IOC investigation revealed additional questions about Mario’s nationality, discovering conflicting statements that he was from Japan, Italy, Brooklyn, or some other kingdom entirely.

The claims ultimately led to the IOC deciding that Mario and Sonic’s entire teams should be banned alongside them in the 2018 Olympics, drawing outrage from animal rights groups supporting hedgehogs, echidnas, giant turtle monsters, and Waluigis.

About the author

Bob_Squob is neither a Bob nor a Squob, but they’re both common enough names to form an alias. After roaming the earth for 10,000 years with no purpose, he came upon Anime Maru, and thought to himself, “It is good. I will make my home here.” He currently resides in the darkness for fear that his taste in anime will be discovered and exploited as a weakness. Twitter: @Bob_Squob