Production Staff Desperately Trying to Make ‘Occultic;Nine’ Disappear

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SUGINAMI, Japan — The atmosphere inside the A-1 Pictures office was tense this past weekend, as the production committee for this season’s Occultic;Nine urgently brainstorm how they can undo the existence of an entire anime. The incident began after episode 2 was submitted to broadcasters last week, when the animation staff, writers, and upper management realized in unison that the show was an unintelligible pile of dogshit.

The production staff have been scurrying to protect their reputations, even though they are contractually obligated to complete the anime. According to sources within the studio, director Kyohei Ishiguro has tried to escape the building several times and needed to be escorted back into his office to continue working on the anime.

An official statement by Crunchyroll confirmed that A-1 Pictures requested the first two episodes of Occultic;Nine be removed. This disproves earlier speculation that the inhuman speed at which voice actor Yuki Kaji had to deliver his character’s meaningless and contrived dialogue caused a rip in the space-time continuum, erasing the episodes from this mortal plane.

“Between the confusing narrative, stilted dialogue, and jumbled character exposition, calling this show a train wreck is an insult to trains. It’s frankly embarrassing and I’m upset to be associated with it in any way. This is definitely the low point in my career,” office janitor Toya Kurosaki told Anime Maru.

“Just taking some episodes down won’t do anything, people will still remember this garbage fire,” said assistant animator Kazuko Akigawa.

The Occultic;Nine staff then attempted to contact the staff of Steins;Gate, hoping to borrow their time machine. As of press time, characters from the Steins;Gate series confirmed they wanted nothing to do with Occultic;Nine.

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Editor-in-Chief, CEO, and Fearless Leader of Anime Maru. He was trained by the North Korean People's Institute of Journalism and Media. kevo follows voice actresses on Twitter and pretends to understand their Japanese tweets. Twitter: @kevo31415