WASHINGTON, DC – In a landmark 9-0 vote, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled today that employers must cover the cost of therapeutic dakimakura (also known as “waifu pillows”) under the Affordable Care Act.
The case Prescott v. Belchmore, centered around a real estate agency’s refusal to cover the cost of therapeutic dakimakura as part of their mandated employee health insurance, claiming that they were disgusted by the practice. Writing for the majority, Chief Justice John Roberts held that while it is within the employer’s First Amendment rights to take issue with dakimakura, the Federal government had a compelling interest in making dakimakura therapy accessible to Americans, and that the dakimakura provision passes strict scrutiny with regards to an employer’s First Amendment right to find the hug pillows super creepy and weird.
“While the Court recognizes that some individuals have those waifu pillows because they are weeb creepos,” wrote Roberts, “Giving citizens access to dakimakura represents a compelling government interest; the current legislation is narrowly tailored to include only dakimakura and not other filthy otaku bullshit, and it is otherwise compliant with the strict scrutiny standard. So if Prescott doesn’t like waifu pillows, they can fuck right off.”
However, the justices did not entirely spare their rod of Prescott, harshly criticizing his choice of a Chitoge pillow, voting 8-1 in favor of Onodera as best Nisekoi, with Clarence Thomas dissenting with a simple: “Chitoge 4 life.”