NEW YORK CITY — Leaders around the world have miraculously agreed to abandon direct military conflict and settle their differences via the art of Gunpla Battle.
“It turns out that having an active military that intervenes in worldwide conflicts means that people will be killed on occasion,” said U.S. President Barack Obama. “As as we have learned, people die when they are killed.”
The world’s nations are finishing their research into Gunpla Battle, which involves building toy robots modeled after the mobile suits in the Gundam franchise of anime and enter them into battle via magical machines.
“The initial idea came from the prime minister of Japan, Shinzo Abe — big surprise, right? — and while we were all skeptical at first, we bought into the idea when we saw the prototypes in action,” said United Kingdom Prime Minister David Cameron. “The virtual explosions look quite lovely.”
The agreed upon proposal is that when one country has a disagreement with another, the leader of the aggrieved country formally challenges the other leader to a Gunpla duel. One-on-one battles are preferred, but countries can recruit up to two other leaders as allies. The leaders on both sides agree to conditions upon victory by either side, and they battle from there.
Critics say that this plan will not go as simply as the top countries hope, however. There is widespread concern that not all countries will agree to this plan, and that they will attempt to circumvent the new Gunpla Battle system. Some world leaders remain unconcerned despite that misgiving.
“What country would reject the opportunity to do battle with giant robots?” said German President Joachim Gauck. “That’s just silly. Every country will be delighted to join in. It’s much better than the alternative.”
Other critics are concerned that this plan will lead to a Gunpla arms race, and that countries with built-in economic and political advantages will dominate the global landscape as they always have. Politicians have a sharp rebuke to those complaints.
“If they’ve got something to say, they should just build a damn robot and take us on,” said South Korean President Park Geun-hye. “Don’t hide like a coward and sling words at your superiors. Fight.”