OKUTAMA, Japan — A recent study conducted by phone, email, and Tinder has found that 99% of eligible bachelors in the local dating scene are members of the Sohma family.
“It seemed so unlikely that we ran the data twice, but yeah, I guess these cursed results are somehow real,” said researcher Mitsuha Tachibana of Chuo University. “I’m glad I live in a different part of Tokyo because this is some bullshit for a single woman.”
Residents of Okutama have varied opinions of the situation.
“Outsiders may think that it’s weird, but your standards have to change in this town,” said Machi Nao, 21. “I used to automatically swipe left on people who turn into an animal when touched by the opposite sex. Now I ask, ‘could I live with, and fuck, a porcopine or not?'”
“The worst is the people that hide their Sohma family membership,” said Arisa Tanezaki, 23. “Then at some point they set up a dramatic meeting where they have to tell you all of their ‘dark secrets’. Dude, we’ve all dated a few pigs and meerkats, get over your own drama!”
“I don’t see anything wrong, this is a great environment for yaoi and yuri,” said Tomo Tenjou, 20. “Although when I think about it, there is a lot of shipping but basically no real action.”
Upcoming research results are still preliminary, but also indicate that 75% of relationships involve the tragic backstory of one partner without the other knowing.