The Kentucky Fried Chicken dating simulator, officially known as I Love You, Colonel Sanders! A Finger Lickin’ Good Dating Simulator has finally hit the Steam store.
There’s a certain sense of irony in this release when you realize that Steam, a platform with a history of ostracizing Japanese art out of the pressure of western imperialists, is now advertising a game made by the very same people. These people, toting their wads of cash and top hats, have finally realized new opportunities for robbing more and more naive consumers. And knowing this, who could be surprised of the product itself: an inbred monstrosity that tries to imitate a world the brains in the marketing department can’t even fully grasp. A world full of original beauty that the brass can only see as a joke.
Taking all this into account, it logically follows that the sacred duty of a reviewer is to point out all the horrible implications behind the release, simultaneously giving a short rundown for the less cultured on what real visual novels are all about.
Even from the screenshots alone it’s clear what the novel ultimately amounts to a strangely bishounen-looking Colonel Sanders with a horrible old white mustache planted onto the body of a youngster made to evoke the visceral effect of mismatch, leading to ironic laughs. This cheap laugh is then expected to replace any and all content traditional to a medium known for mature storylines. As if the consumers wouldn’t understand they’re being fed a bucket of cholesterol, devoid of all nutritious substances. When compared to authentic dating simulators, who could forget all the gripping twists of works such as Bukkake Ranch, or the intense character drama of My Little Sister Can’t Possibly Have A Hemorrhoid?! None of that matters when you boast a glorified advertisement that expects you to be entertained just because the premise of the novel is ridiculous.
Now laugh, all you ironic weeaboos, laugh, all you filthy neck-beards. Isn’t that why you’re all here, to gawk at what new and exciting fun your overlords have prepared for you this time around? What else is there to do other than laugh, resigned when the forces of capitalism and its ultimate evil, fast-food chains, corrupt all you’ve ever held dear.
And don’t be sad, but laugh. You were alive to experience a field of art so pure, free from influences that were worried more about the market than of artistic integrity. A field that wasn’t yet ruined by a western cancer that turns even the traditional plastic collector edition packages into digital downloads because some idiot in his LED-illuminated craft beer brewery is worried over a handful of trees. You were alive to peek into a world so authentic and untouched that opportunists, businessmen, and colonists looking for new land to pillage could not pass the chance to violate the natural state of the medium. Soon anime will be crowdfunded, visual novels fueled by Kickstarters, and hundreds and hundreds of bad YouTube videos will be made by the comedians and imitators who enjoy the spectacle only halfheartedly. Soon you’ll be able to legally buy your products localized (shipped with greasy chicken stains) without resorting to piracy, and all it ever cost you was your soul.
But what an end it is, indeed — a bang worth remembering, greasy, vomit-inducing, chicken flavored explosion of puke and feces. In time, yet another striving field of art will be all lost to time, like tears in rain. And all anyone did was laugh. Laugh and write slightly worried and comedic reviews serving as free advertising.
Overall, a fairly decent release. 7/10