AKB48 to Include “Bath Water” Tasting Notes on All Idol Profiles

One of Japan’s biggest and most enduring idol groups, AKB48, has announced today they will be updating all of their active idols’ biographic information to include a descriptor of what their bath water tastes like, in addition to the industry standard information of height, weight, zodiac sign, and blood type.

The move comes in response to web entrepreneur, Belle Delphine, announcing and subsequently selling out of her own $30 “Gamer Girl” branded bath water which, despite being heavily condemned by critics and the general internet at large, has drawn the interest of many corporations dealing in celebrity and brand recognition hoping to similarly profit from the viral phenomenon.

“We feel this will be a great initiative which will add another layer to the connection felt between fans and our idols going forward,” commented Natsuko Yoshinari, President of AKB48’s talent management agency. “We want to reassure everyone who has labeled this move as ‘creepy’ or ‘perverse’ that we have nothing but altruistic intentions with this decision, and see it akin to the rituals performed surrounding ancient Greek shrine maidens.”

In spite of the claims of good intentions, those close to the brand have revealed that renown wine critic Phillipe Se Glisser-Pervertir has been hired by the AKB48 board as a permanent consultant. Sources claim Phillipe has been contracted to provide comprehensive tasting notes for the initial batch, which is rumored to be sold as an artisan good under the pseudonym “Eau Du Bain De Femme” in order to protect the larger AKB48 from potential legal trouble.

With attention around this topic seemingly only increasing, many seasoned economists have suggested the potential for a secondary “idol fluid” commodities market to emerge, which could potentially rival the existing oil and gold trade by 2023.

About the author

Due to anime currently being classed as a schedule 8 narcotic, Heatfist currently writes for Anime Maru through a series hastily cobbled together VB tins and harmless upper middle class racism, broadcasting from a hidden bunker, located deep in the Australian outback. Communicates solely through sardonicism and second hand banter stolen from early 2000’s AMV’s.