Anime Maru’s Guide to Successful Harem Management


Valentine’s Day is an important event for couples all across the world. While dealing with the affections of just one female can be quite the challenge, what about those of us who strive for the holy grail of relationships: the almighty harem? Not to worry, for while it may seems unwieldy to handle this hailstorm of female affections, through years of research we have you covered for making sure you make it through this critical holiday with your harem intact.

The Goal


The most important part of maintaining a harem on Valentine’s Day is to never pick just one girl to focus your attention on. Commitment is the enemy of all harem holders. Make sure you never commit to anything. Miss meet-up times, never acknowledge anyone’s feelings, and keep each girl teetering on the edge of that romantic cliff. The excitement comes from the chase, so this is the only way you are going to keep them interested in a boring shell of a human being such as yourself. Trust me on this one.

Preparing for the Day


The best way to prepare for this very special day is to use the one tried and true method: don’t. In fact, it would be best for you to not even acknowledge the importance of this day at all. Just wear whatever you wore yesterday and wander out the door like the blissfully unaware fool that you are. When you get to class, your classmates will likely be giddily discussing who they may hope to receive chocolates from. Just take a seat at your desk and let out a sigh, commenting to your best friend that you probably won’t be receiving any chocolates this year. If you don’t have any friends then you can just sit at the back of the room and mutter this to yourself.

Receiving Chocolates


When you inevitably receive chocolates from a member of your harem it is important to accept them in a proper manner. When a girl gives you chocolates, take one piece and proceed to chew it slowly with no initial reaction. This dramatic pause is important as she will be staring at you trying to gauge your response. Then, after taking far too long for a normal person to chew a single piece of chocolate, tilt your head slightly to the side, close your eyes, smile, and exclaim in a content tone, “oishii!” If you did this correctly then the backdrop behind you should become sparkly and colorful. Your female companion will take note and will become flustered if you did this correctly.

It is imperative that you always say that the chocolates are good no matter the taste. Chances are that tsundere girl that stalks you throughout the day will give you some nasty chocolate she somehow managed to dump a whole cup of salt into. I don’t know how she keeps screwing up everything so badly, but make sure you eat that salty abomination just as enthusiastically as all the others. If a particularly clumsy girl trips, breaking the chocolate she intended to give to you all over the ground, be sure to pick up a piece and repeat the exact same method.

Dealing With a Confession


Girls may take the opportunity of this day to attempt a confession. In order to maintain a harem, it is important that none of these confessions end of making it through. If they did, one of the girls might actually get closer to you and discover what a bland uninspiring human being you actually are. We can’t take that risk.

The most dangerous of these is the childhood friend whose legitimate feelings for you could compromise the entire harem. Luckily, chances are if you have a harem then you are probably such a dense sack of bricks that you haven’t even realized it yet. Seriously, how have you not noticed by now?

Regardless, you should make sure make your day as inconvenient for possible confessions. Be near groups of people as much as possible and when you are walking alone in the hallway make sure to get sidetracked as often as you can. Make commitments with club members and teachers, but don’t follow up with them later in the day. That way you will be constantly getting called over while walking through the halls. That girl waiting around the corner will never get the chance. Another popular method is to stretch out any encounters you have so they are interrupted by the school period bell. Make an excuse about how you don’t want to be late and dart out of there before she can finish her statement.

Hopefully with these methods you won’t screw this up like you screwed up everything else in your life. Now get out there and make me proud.

[For our readers who are no longer students, unfortunately we do not have any record of a harem surviving out of school life. Fortunately, there is plenty of software out there to simulate the school setting in a virtual environment if this is the case.]

About the author

Sustaining on instant noodles and a wavering DSL connection, it is uncertain how Vestro has continued to survive let alone still form a cognitive thought. Regardless, he still manages to come out of his soba induced coma now and then. He can be found spending his time pretending to understand Japanese media as well as picking up the remaining shards of his broken dreams.