CONWAY, SC – Last Saturday night, Nathan Hayes suddenly woke up to loud banging noises, followed by a screeching car alarm, only to find his 2013 Dodge Dart sitting on the family driveway vandalized beyond recognition. Hayes managed to catch a glimpse of the escaping hooligans who bore a striking resemblance to the Japanese Tokyo-based animation studio J.C.Staff, producing works in the industry since 1986. The beloved vehicle, which Hayes still recalls fond memories of, had been turned into an empty husk of what it used to be.
“I can’t believe they’ve done something like this,” Hayes lamented, recalling the times when J.C.Staff was one of the biggest names in the industry, releasing beloved cult classics such as Toradora, Nodame Cantabile, and Utena.
J.C.Staff has been reported as a suspect for dozens of other cases over the past few weeks of things being suddenly ruined. Widespread anger with seemingly no limit has grown as the cases pile up.
According to another area resident, Sarah Gardner, J.C.Staff ruined her salad after having left it on the table for several hours. Adding to the claims, neighbor Daniel Moore suspects that J.C.Staff ruined his laundry by mixing in dark colors with his white clothes.
“God dammit, J.C.Staff! This used to be a nice, quiet neighborhood,” visibly angered Moore yelled, wearing his destroyed, gray laundry. “Before I only had to be on the lookout for those Deen and the new Toei kids. Now there’s yet another name on the list.”
Local police officers rushed in to deliver a public safety announcement, detailing that J.C.Staff might also be the Antichrist and a spawn of Satan. The announcement further reinforced the theory that J.C.Staff just might just be the primary reason behind global warming and the ultimate heat death of our universe.