Boy Suffers Near Fatal Spine Injury Attempting to Imitate Uzumaki

The playground where the incident allegedly took place

The playground where the incident allegedly took place

BOYS TOWN, NE– Last week Kyle Hansford, 12, twisted his entire body into a spiral at his middle school playground. The child was rushed to the local hospital and after an experimental operation known as the ‘Fruit Unroll Up’, the boy was moved out of critical condition.

Kyle’s injury was an imitation of a scene from the Junji Ito’s manga Uzumaki, in which a man stuffs his body inside a pot, twisting himself into a spiral-like shape. The manga has been praised by critics and fans alike, but everyone agrees that scene was pretty gross.


I tried once, but I could never reach.

According to playground hearsay, Kyle had been dared into the act. While Kyle refused initially, he was then reportedly double-dog-dared to imitate the famous scene. Now with a double-dog-dare on his hands, Kyle had no choice but to attempt the feat. Unfortunately after getting his head a quarter way around, Kyle’s body locked up. The boy was stuck in a spiral, and immediately abandoned by his friends, who feared repercussions from their teacher.

Kyle’s parents were distraught at the revelation of their son’s pretzel predicament. Upon discovering the inspiration for the incident Debra Hansford, Kyle’s mother, called the award-winning manga ‘pornographic’, ‘disgusting’, and ‘very rude’. She has even taken measures to attempt banning Uzumaki from stores, even organizing book burnings. Mrs. Hansford has gained a sizable following on Common Sense Media.

“Why should I take responsibility for my child’s actions when it’s clearly the fault of these Chinese comic books?” Mrs. Hansford exclaimed in front of a gathered crowd while holding up a copy of Naruto.

As of press time, no other spiral related incidents have been reported. Although authorities in Boys Town are on the lookout for human sized snails.

About the author

Talking about himself in the third person has never be Morlock's strengths, however it would seem that duty calls for a change in POV. Hobbies include: self loathing, mindlessly consuming japanese media like the weeaboo that he is, and complaining. Mad Bull 34 is still the greatest anime Morlock has seen. For some reason he has a Twitter: @TheMorlock