TOKYO, Japan — With the outbreak of COVID-19 declared a global pandemic, Japan has taken the significant step of banning the indirect kiss according to a press conference held for top journalism outlets, like Anime Maru, about the third batch of measures working to contain the spread of the disease.
“With the significant chance of contagion from COVID-19 we have taken the important step of banning all indirect kisses,” said Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. “Our new policy of ‘one mouth, one drink’ should help contain the pandemic better than any quarantine.”
Various kinds of experts have weighed in on the new policy.
“Based on my careful research, the vast majority of romantic interactions between people in Japan revolve around indirect kisses,” said self-described Japanese culture expert Robert Wilson. “Hopefully this policy will be discontinued by the time of my summer travel abroad in July.”
“Young people today spend too much time on their phones, not interacting with real people,” said self-proclaimed Millennial expert Jean Campbell. “Isn’t it worth a few more infections to get kids off their phones and interacting face to face in society?”
As a well-regarded news source within the anime community, we also reached out to otaku on their opinions of the matter.
“This is devastating. Not coronavirus of course, that’s fine. Indirect kisses are just so important to me and my love life,” stated concerned Twitter user Purelover69. “How can I ever get my first if they are banned?”
“I’m not sure why you all are getting worked up on this, who needs indirect kisses IRL?” said Twitter user NekoKiss17. “Personally, I’m already well stocked on streamer bathwater so I’m all good.”
The Japanese government has released guidelines on alternatives to indirect kisses to avoid catching the coronavirus such as spending additional time in hot springs and attempting to peep through holes in the fences. Officials, however, remind citizens to not kiss the holes or other hot spring patrons and to avoid getting hit with any comically large fans that have not been recently sterilized.