SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Crunchyroll executives were marched out of corporate headquarters today following charges of violating the company’s goals as a total non-profit charity devoted solely to supporting the anime industry.
Crunchyroll has been known to make pleas to its customers that their subscriptions support the anime industry, but many do not know that Crunchyroll actually operates as a religious non-profit charity, with its stated religion as “the anime industry.” California accepted this designation given the religious fervor of anime fandom, but has carefully watched Crunchyroll’s behavior to make sure it meets its charitable goals.
“We first started investigating Crunchyroll when they announced Crunchyroll Expo.” California Attorney General Xavier Becerra said in a press conference today. “We suspected that holding an anime convention might take away money from licensing anime, which is the only thing Crunchyroll is legally allowed to do with any of the money they make.”
Further investigations into Crunchyroll found that not only did Crunchyroll not donate 100% of their proceeds to anime, they also paid American staff members to write articles about anime and film podcasts about anime, a clear misuse of charitable funds. Some of these staff writers even advocated against anime piracy, which is a fundamental sacrilegious tenet of anime fandom.
California law enforcement was eventually forced to act upon Crunchyroll’s announcement of High Guardian Spice, an original animation project worked on by American staff, a clear violation of the basic idea of anime. Fans have reeled against the heretofore unheard of concept of an online streaming service creating its own original content.
“Crunchyroll’s behavior is a clear betrayal to its donors.” Becerra told reporters with a solemn tone.
“These hardworking anime fans donate a whole $7 a month to Crunchyroll, and the least they can expect is that their money is wired directly to the bank accounts of anime people, and that Crunchyroll also provide perfect video streaming quality while making absolutely no profit for itself whatsoever. Anime is a basic human right, and if Crunchyroll is not wholly and exclusively dedicated to anime, I’m going to keep watching all my anime on KissAnime.”