Epstein Didn’t Kill Himself, Transported to Another World

Questions still surround the case of financier Jeffery Epstein who was found dead in his jail cell back in August. Although ruled as an apparent suicide, lack of clear evidence has led to uncertainty regarding Epstein’s demise.

A newly released report from the New York City Department of Investigation now claims that Epstein did not take his own life but was instead spontaneously transported to another world. The 126-page report, titled “That Time I Faked My Own Death to Avoid Prosecution Only to Wake Up in Another World Without Consequences”, details the circumstances that likely allowed Epstein’s consciousness to escape into to a world apart from our own.

The report points to Epstein’s unremarkable physique and a recent pattern of poor luck as prime attributes of a man who would likely be transported to another world. The fact that prison guards had not regularly checked up on Epstein and that all nearby cameras had supposed malfunctioned on the day of the apparent suicide were also stated as evidence of other-worldly interference.

Investigators in the case claim that Epstein had actually knocked himself unconscious in a fit of frustration. While the cameras were off, his mind was then transported across an inter-dimensional line, leaving only his former body behind as an empty capsule.

“Indications on the body show little evidence of self strangulation,” stated forensic pathologist Dr. Michael Baden. “Most of the trauma was sustained at the back of the head and would have unlikely been forceful enough to have been fatal.”

The department makes further claims stating that Epstein has been using the other world to escape his criminal charges back on Earth and had already formed a party of eccentric individuals to travel with. Without any particular athletic abilities, it was stated that Epstein was likely using methods of manipulation and financial corruption to make his way through various encounters.

The new information has spurred additional interest in the Epstein case with an anime adaptation planned for later this year. Meanwhile, the New York City Department of Investigation is already preparing to release a second volume of the report detailing how Epstein finances the campaign of a newly instated emperor in order to gain influence over one of the neighboring kingdoms.

About the author

Sustaining on instant noodles and a wavering DSL connection, it is uncertain how Vestro has continued to survive let alone still form a cognitive thought. Regardless, he still manages to come out of his soba induced coma now and then. He can be found spending his time pretending to understand Japanese media as well as picking up the remaining shards of his broken dreams.