‘Fate’ Franchise Out of Ways to Turn Historical Figures into Women

On January 30, 2004, a man named Kinoko Nasu had a revolutionary idea: take the coolest, most interesting people from all of history and turn them into anime girls called “servants” who are literally fueled by semen. The male-centric nature of history offered very limited options, so Nasu instead decided to waifu King Arthur. The explanation was quite simple: “Altria” was secretly a girl the entire time, but Excalibur gave her eternal youth just before she grew breasts and then Merlin magically gave her a penis which was summarily stolen by her twin sister and used for a magic test tube baby eventually leading to the tragic death of nearly everyone involved. 

As the franchise quickly began to expand, more waifus were needed to keep sales up. Unfortunately, as most people historically didn’t have access to immortality or pelvic sorcery, the same reasoning didn’t work twice. Unwilling to simply handwave anything, they resolved to explain every genderbend individually. For years the formula continued to work, and the justifications stayed relatively straightforward. Francis Drake was always a woman, but no one ever mentioned her H-cups out of respect. Da Vinci is better known for the Mona Lisa than his own face, and Musashi wandered in from an alternate universe where the only difference is the state of her loins. Nothing unusual. But eventually, perhaps around the time they decided “she’s also an alien” would answer more questions than it raised, the simplicity of a woman getting possessed by a male spirit just wasn’t cutting it anymore.

In the years since, every explanation Fate/ could imagine was employed to steal away history’s greatest phalluses. Japanese Hercules’s boss had a Jeckyll/Hyde situation going on that somehow turned him into a porn stepmom. An evil nun who is also Buddha happens. And now that they’ve even made the very Earth fusion dance Oda Nobunaga and Okita Souji together into a tan, laser-firing Final Fantasy villain, the franchise has fully exhausted every semi-plausible explanation possible.  The team was overcome by despair but got over it quickly due to their experience dealing with tragedy from the gacha.

Delightworks has since posted a reward for fresh ideas, promising a free copy of the Biblical Adam (5★) to anyone who can adequately explain how she got there.

About the author

Starprophet is a few hundred meerkats in the shape of a man, held together by rage and one very charismatic squirrel.