‘Fate/Grand Order’ Revenue at All-Time Low After Latest Event Sends Entire Fanbase to Prison

Google search histories became a little bit safer today following the arrest of nearly every adult who had made a purchase in the popular dating sim/online casino, Fate/Grand Order.

The mass arrests were in direct response to the newest Fate/Grand Order event, where players were transported to a mystical world ruled by magical scantily-clad 12-year-olds. Upon completion of the event, players are gifted with one such minor to do their bidding in future events. Upon reaching the maximum level, players can receive a JPEG image which, for legal reasons, we are unable to claim to have seen. Those with enough luck, or money, can obtain additional underage soldiers for assistance with grinding more upcoming events.

The event was originally in collaboration with FBI operatives in order to track down potential suspects. To the surprise of organizers, nearly every active user of the game participated in the event, completely overwhelming law enforcement. Police raids began less than an hour after the event began. Official numbers are still unavailable, but it’s estimated that as many as 20,000 have been arrested and over $1 million in “assets” have been seized.

“I thought it was one of those cases where they only look like middle schoolers but are actually based on 40 year old historical military generals or something,” long time Fate/Grand Order player Randy Clifton told our correspondent. “This is clearly entrapment. I’d be calling my lawyer if I actually had any money left over from this event.”

This controversy has caused a significant downturn in the Japanese economy, as minimal chances to receive sexy JPEGs are among one of Japan’s largest exports. As an apology, Delightworks has gifted 3 Saint Quartz to all those affected.

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Starprophet is a few hundred meerkats in the shape of a man, held together by rage and one very charismatic squirrel.