Ford Reveals the 1995 Ford Escort as the Street Car for Millennials

Falling behind its competitors in the automotive space in recent years, the Ford Motor Company announced that it would begin refocusing efforts to revamp its current lineup of vehicles. Ford specifically pledged to refocus efforts on larger high-volume by introducing more hybrid models, including a hybrid F-150 pickup, and redesigning their entire lineup of SUVs. No mention was made concerning the company’s compact lineup, leaving some concerned whether Ford would have anything available that was actually obtainable by younger drivers.

In response, Ford announced this week that it would begin selling the 1995 Ford Escort in an attempt to capture the young adult market. Ford describes the Escort as the ideal car for the millennial who desires a sharp 2-door coupe of their own but is hopelessly unable to afford one. Changes have been made to update the model for the current year such as an imitation carbon fiber hood and a set of black spray-painted wheels. Every ’95 Escort will also come with a copy of Leslie Parrish’s hit single Remember Me on audio cassette.

“Ford understands that the needs of the modern young driver has changed,” an official Ford spokesperson stated. “Today’s youth need a vehicle that can take them from their chain-smoking father’s house to their minimum wage service job and back. The 1995 Escort is there to fill that need at a price that they can afford.”

Based on the same platform as the Mazda Protege, Ford states that the ’95 Escort will have the JDM style that many millennials crave. A limited edition trim will also include the option of kanji on the door to allow the driver to let others know how exotic they are. The 88hp 1.9L engine of the Escort will be efficiently capable of handling downhill trips due to what the company refers to as “gravity-assist technology”. While Ford did not verify whether the model would be capable of drifting or not, the company did state that the worn tires of the Escort should provide at least some degree of sliding.

Ford hopes that the changes will help it catch up to automotive rivals who have eaten into its market share in the past years, although automotive rival Toyota did not seemed phased by the announcement.

“Ford is like the Night Kids of the auto industry,” stated James Lentz, president of Toyota North America. “They always talk a big game but then just end up hitting the guardrail partway through the race. I don’t think we have anything to worry about.”

About the author

Sustaining on instant noodles and a wavering DSL connection, it is uncertain how Vestro has continued to survive let alone still form a cognitive thought. Regardless, he still manages to come out of his soba induced coma now and then. He can be found spending his time pretending to understand Japanese media as well as picking up the remaining shards of his broken dreams.