Funimation Puts Out A Hit On Discotek Media


FLOWER MOUND, TX– Yesterday, a hit list of Discotek employees was leaked on the internet by anonymous sources, apparently posted by Funimation executives in hopes of eliminating their competition. The discovery of this hit list coincides with a mysterious warning issued to Discotek.

A scribbled note found in Discotek headquarters read: “Maybe you’ll think twice before licensing any more Lupin. We’ve hired the greatest professional in the anime industry.” It is unclear at the moment who this ‘professional’ is, although rumors say he has very thick eyebrows.

For the past week Discotek has reported strange occurrences around their head office. There have been several police reports filed in regards to poisoned ramen seasoning packets and explosive body pillows. Needless to say, Mondays aren’t the worst thing around the office any more.

“I thought it was strange that my car’s breaklines were cut, but I just assumed that was my ex-wife again,” a Discotek employee told Anime Maru. His name has been withheld upon request.

Earlier this week, a Discotek employee was found shot and killed in the manga section of the local Barnes & Noble store. Coincidentally, last month the body of another Discotek employee was recover from the bottom of a lake with a complete box set of Detective Conan tied around his feet. Around the same time, the body of a third employee was also found after an apparent suicide, with a note reading, “we never should have licensed Giant Gorg.”

Authorities claim the incidents are probably not related, but admitted it was pretty suspicious.

Discotek has resolved to gather the Dragonballs to raise these office drones from the dead, but unfortunately Funimation holds the rights to that very series.

Funimation has not taken any responsibility for these incidents, instead choosing to vaguely tweet, “Don’t ever go against the Nakama.”

About the author

Talking about himself in the third person has never be Morlock's strengths, however it would seem that duty calls for a change in POV. Hobbies include: self loathing, mindlessly consuming japanese media like the weeaboo that he is, and complaining. Mad Bull 34 is still the greatest anime Morlock has seen. For some reason he has a Twitter: @TheMorlock