Hollywood directors presented a united front earlier today and released a statement promising to produce live action adaptations of every anime in existence. The announcement came a day after The Hollywood Reporter reported that J.J. Abrams was developing a remake of Kimi no Na Wa (Your Name) with Paramount Pictures.
“After seeing the unparalleled success of the Death Note live action movie, as well as gauging the rising popularity of Japanese animation in America and worldwide, we the directors of Hollywood are excited to announce the immense undertaking of creating a live action adaptation for each and every anime,” the announcement read in part.
The gathering of 56 Hollywood directors addressed the most obvious problem with this immense endeavor: the deep-seated incompatibility of foreign media with American mores, and promised to make whatever changes necessary in the name of mass media appeal.
“The original anime has a pretty nuanced story that deals with depression and abandonment, and beyond the action scenes it’s rife with allegory,” newly-named Neon Genesis Evangelion director Michael Bay told reporters. “But that’s all a bit heavy for my taste. From my experience, viewers want explosions and fighting robots, and that’s what all the remakes plus Evangelion 3.0+1.0 will have.”
Steins;Gate director M. Night Shyamalan stated that he takes his task of dumbing down the original work to present an insincere apery that both angers fans and misleads new audiences, “very seriously”.
“This will be a tricky one,” Steven Spielberg said after drawing Shinmai Maou no Testament from a hat.
Live action adaptations that have been confirmed as of press time include Legend of the Galactic Heroes by George Lucas, Boku no Hero Academia by Zack Snyder, Bakemonogatari by Bill Condon, and Psycho-Pass by The Wachowskis.