Japan Forms Teenage Task Force to Strike Back Against Teenage Criminals


TOKYO — After a rash of attacks by groups of teenage criminals that have so far gone without a single arrest, the Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department has formed a task force of teenagers to seek out and arrest the delinquents.

“Unfortunately, our current force lacks the ability to locate these renegade groups,” said Oshima Kazuo, superintendent-general of the Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department. “We have searched everywhere teenagers might conceivably ‘hang out’: malls, arcades, convenience stores, libraries…  we can’t find them anywhere. We need a fresh set of eyes on this case.”

The Tokyo Extraordinarily Energetic Nexus of Sanctions — or T.E.E.N.S. — is on the streets seeking leads to track down their teenage nemeses.

“We are doing our best to find traces of activity in all known teenage hotspots,” said T.E.E.N.S. leader Akiyama Junpei. “We promise to analyze all evidence found in the most efficient manner possible so that we can quickly apprehend the suspects in question.”

The task force has been combing the city for evidence, searching every popular teenage hangout that comes to mind, but so far they have come up empty. They ask that the public have faith in them to catch the criminals, however.

“All we can ask is that the public support us in our endeavors,” said T.E.E.N.S. second-in-command Kawada Akira. “Please email us or call us if you have any information about the case or potential leads.”

Despite the earnestness of this new task force, some in the area aren’t convinced they’ll actually be effective.

“The police just hired a bunch of dumb nerds,” said Yamada Junko, 17. “Where are the flashy outfits? The charisma? The energy and attitude? The superpowers and cool weapons?! Fuckin’ cops, you just can’t count on ’em to do anything.”

Although the police encourage citizens to report anything of even the slightest importance and relation to the case, the superintendent-general has asked that the public show discretion when giving information to the police.

“Our inbox for the case has been flooded with messages calling our T.E.E.N.S. boring and stupid,” Oshima said. “Please stop. Our inbox is full.”

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Emerging from the ultraviolent urban sprawl of the 1980s, Shinmaru is the Angel Cop, the 34th Mad Bull, the Wing of Garzey, and The Almighty King of the Street. His taste is total trash. Twitter: @Shinmaru