Japan Loses World Cup Opener Despite Giant Robots, Superpowers


RECIFE, BRAZIL – Despite utilizing three different types of mecha, time-stopping magic, and a variety of energy and projectile attacks, Japan still lost its 2014 FIFA World Cup opener to the Ivory Coast by a score of 2-1.

Japan got off to an early lead with a goal from Keisuke Honda, who was propelled forward by a trilateral Shinto demon-summoning ritual, and used a phase-shifting omnidimensional fusion-powered shoe to launch the ball past Ivory Coast goalie Boubacar Barry at 97% of light speed.

Japan preserved the advantage at halftime by utilizing spread energy defense shields from its mecha squad, but the entry of Ivory Coast star Didier Drogba in the 62nd minute marked a shift of momentum.

soccer2 Shortly afterward, Serge Aurier managed to find a weakness in Japan’s electo-magic 3-4-3 defense lattice and launch a curling cross to Wilfried Bony, who headed it home. Two minutes later, Aurier exploited the same weakness and found Gervinho, whose header evaded the magical barrier set up by goal keeper Eiji Kawashima.

Despite facing Shinji Kagawa’s Noble Phantasm in the 76th minute, Ivory Coast managed to preserve its lead and the game concluded with a score of 2-1. After the game, Japan squad coach Alberto Zaccheroni, who is an Italian, confessed that he was still getting used to the Japanese style. “Back in Italy we never used transmutation circles, shinigami, mind-machine interface giant robots, or any of that stuff,” he said. “We just kicked the ball around and tried to get it in the net. But I have a great support staff and they tell me that we still have some sentient mutant animals we haven’t deployed yet, so I am optimistic about our chances to advance to the round of 16.”

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Based in a one man space station in geosynchronous orbit over Japan, Neontaster is a graduate of Hard Knocks Gakuen with a masters degree in Moeology. He usually has no idea what the hell he is talking about, but is marginally competent at faking it. You can pelt him with rotten digital vegetables on twitter @neontaster