Japan to Offer Magical Girl Bailout

TOKYO, Japan — With the coronavirus pandemic creating hardship for people across the world, the government of Japan has announced that it will bail out all magical girls, according to a press release. The bailout will involve forgiving all of their debts to magical entities and the penalties therein.

“All life is precious, but no life is more precious than the lives of all our young girls fighting ambiguous and colorful wars among magical entities and each other,” said Japan’s prime minister, Shinzo Abe. “If they weren’t out there fighting, how might Japan suffer? I’m not really sure how, but it would definitely hurt anime merchandise sales.”

“Today in Japan, many magical girls are stuck with crippling magical debts associated with contracts often made when they were young and naive 12 year olds rather than the mature 15 year olds they are now,” said magical girl economist doctor Mamoru Morioka. “Many of them are fighting a losing battle with their debts, especially with stay-at-home orders that keep them from harvesting the grief seeds or other items they need to pay off their outstanding loans or to forestall debt penalties.”

While this action has been seen by some on Twitter as positive, there are some who question the fairness of this debt relief bailout.

“Sure, people might think of this as a good thing, but what about us magical girls who have already paid their debt? It is unfair,” said Naoka Miki. “I already became a witch and murdered all my friends. Don’t you think others deserve to have the same results based on the contract they signed?”

“When we get these young people to sign these contracts, we aren’t looking for them to pay off their debts, we need them to default for us to get their souls or to pay other penalties” said magical girl recruiter Kyu Bai. “With the debts paid in full, this whole marketplace is screwed. People will have become magical girls without horrific and scarring drawbacks!”

The Japan government has also announced that borders will be closed to all magical girls from alternative worlds with anime productions forced to use only domestic magical girl casts of our own reality.

About the author

G. Smith has seen the opening to the Toei Kanon series more recently and more often than you. His retirement savings is entirely invested in anime dvds, anime cels, and anime statues he stores in the basement. His Uno game could be better. He is on Twitter @gricomet