Living Samurai Found in Block of Ice


OSAKA, Japan — What do K-ON!, The Ashikaga Era, and Sumo have to do with each other? The answer was found on an Osaka beach a few weeks ago after avid beach goers discovered a samurai trapped in a block of ice washed up on shore. Witnesses initially assumed there was something valuable within the tepid prison, but finders were reportedly very disappointed to learn it was only a perfectly preserved samurai. The local coroner, expecting a routine hypothermia case, reportedly nearly died of a heart attack himself after the samurai opened his eyes and escaped the premises.

After bursting from the room screaming of invading Mongols the man — identified by police as a Kitahara Matafuji — lead officers on a 4 hour chase through downtown Osaka. His rampage finally came to an end at the Osaka Prefectural Gymnasium, known in some circles as the Bodymaker Colosseum.

According to officer Daizaburo on the scene, “We only caught up to him due to his choice of stopping point. He was apparently a fan of sumo, because he stopped for several minutes to watch the match going on at that moment. I prepared to fire on the man, but my partners reminded me he hadn’t committed any crimes, so I should probably keep my gun holstered. Then they asked me why I even had a gun and…er I don’t suppose that matters. You aren’t printing this are you?”

After his marathon through the city, evading police brutality and the advent of rush hour traffic, it was expected that the young ex-samurai might have a negative reaction to the new world around him, but much to the surprise of his peers, he took rather well to the news. After selling his katana and armor to a historical society, and optioning his soon to be written light novel, The Melancholy of a Frozen Samurai Panic Can Not Be This Cute and Wolf, Kitahara settled down in suburban Osaka. He lives within walking distance of his beloved Sumo dojo.

After recent correspondence with Mr. Kitahara’s agent, we have discovered that since settling down, the Ronin of a new era has found a new passion. Moe. To take a walk through his home, filled with figures, wall scrolls, an enormous library of Blu-Rays and DVDs, as well as no less than 5 body pillows, is to realize that the man has an intense, almost concerning obsession with the art style that began one fateful evening when he accidentally happened upon an all-day marathon of K-ON!. I guess it just goes to show, it doesn’t matter what walk of life you tread, anyone can have shit taste.

About the author

When not busy in his lab conducting horrible experiments on tiny woodland creatures, Doctor E holds the insane belief that some people on the internet might like to read the torrent of schlock that comes running out of his brain, into his hands, onto his keyboard, and through a series of complex Electron transferences into your eyes. He enjoys moonlit romantic walks on the beach, the floor is lava, Alpacas, and those olives filled with bleu cheese