Local Man Frantically Tries to Fake a Normal Life Before Arrival of Relatives


FAYETTEVILLE, NC — A local man frantically attempted to get his home into a state of normality this morning before the arrival of his relatives for the Thanksgiving holiday. Henry Noxton, a 34-year-old North Carolina resident, is an avid collector of various forms of anime related merchandise, which he displays throughout his home. Due to a last minute change of plans with his family’s Thanksgiving preparations, his relatives would be meeting at his home for Thanksgiving dinner rather than his aunt’s.

“I can’t let anyone know I live like this,” Noxton said while hastily removing wall scrolls from his living room. “Who knows how they would react. A lot of this stuff is kind of beyond the point of reasoning — how am I supposed to explain why I have a figure of a 14 year old girl in my bedroom?”

Noxton spent the majority of the morning running about his home putting anything remotely anime-related out of direct sight. No easy feat, Noxton claims, as his modest residence makes the maximum amount of use out of any available space. Figures were stuffed into old Amazon boxes, posters were hidden as far back into drawers as they would go, and the DVD shelf was replaced with the few live action movies he actually owns. The dakimakura, a particularly troublesome item, was stuffed away in his attic to remove any chance of an accidental encounter.

“I don’t think any of them know anything yet,” Noxton told Anime Maru as he threw some Lucky Star merchandise into the furthest corner of his closet. “One time during Christmas I think my uncle may have gotten a glance of my Chuunibyou [Demoo Koi ga Shitai] phone background when I was checking the time. I quickly switched it back to the default background when he wasn’t looking, so hopefully he just forgot about it.”

Noxton hopes that his residence would be in a state that was minimally acceptable to outside human beings by the time the first of his relatives would start arriving. When questioned on how long he intended to keep living this lie, Noxton seemed to pause before simply stating, “as long as it takes.”

About the author

Sustaining on instant noodles and a wavering DSL connection, it is uncertain how Vestro has continued to survive let alone still form a cognitive thought. Regardless, he still manages to come out of his soba induced coma now and then. He can be found spending his time pretending to understand Japanese media as well as picking up the remaining shards of his broken dreams.