Man Attempts Time Travel in Order to Bang Ancient Heroes

NEWARK, NJ — A local man has been found to have been funneling nearly into all of his income into a project that will attempt to send him back in time. Jeremy Denford, 29, has put nearly eight years into the project with help from a team of private researchers with the intent to find several beings from ancient folklore and, hopefully, bang them. Despite doubts from critics, Denford claims that he may soon be on a breakthrough to make his goal into a reality.

On Denford’s “hit list” includes well known heroes from history such as Jeanne d’Arc. One of the man’s primary targets is the legendary King Arthur, which for some reason Denford claims was actually a woman.

“Most people assume that all rulers are male, but it actually makes a lot more sense for Arthur to be a woman if you think about it. How else would so many people idolize and follow her so adamantly,” stated Denford as he went through his file on Arthur describing her as a beautiful young woman with silky golden hair. “I’m totally gonna tap that.”

Among the man’s other odd choices was one of the paladins of Charlemagne. “Hey he is pretty cute, you have to admit,” proclaimed Denford. “Don’t tell me you wouldn’t give it a shot.”

Denford’s nearly decade long research would be a true breakthrough in modern science if successful, although the man seemed less concerned about the potential for greater human understanding of the fabric of time and more concerned about the potential for assembling his own personal harem.

Despite the Jersey man’s passionate ambitions, many have cast doubt as to whether Denford would actually be able to pull off his plan at all citing the low viability of the concept in general.

“I find it odd that people would even entertain such an absurd and frankly entirely unrealistic idea,” theoretical physicist Anthony Howitzer told Anime Maru. “No matter how you look at it, there’s just no way that this guy would be able to get anyone to sleep with him, regardless of which point in time. It just isn’t possible.”

About the author

Sustaining on instant noodles and a wavering DSL connection, it is uncertain how Vestro has continued to survive let alone still form a cognitive thought. Regardless, he still manages to come out of his soba induced coma now and then. He can be found spending his time pretending to understand Japanese media as well as picking up the remaining shards of his broken dreams.