HARRISBURG, PA – Local man Hans Johanson announced to anyone listening on Medium today that he had downgraded his life goal from being “the very best” down to a much more realistic “relatively competent”.
“While I was growing up, I learned that it was important to be ‘the very best’ and I’ve tried to live by that in everything I do,” stated Johanson in his Medium post. “And it has kind of fucked up my whole life. I never did catch them all, they just kept adding more.”
Friends and family of Johanson offered their own perspective on how his prior goal had impacted many of his life decisions.
“That dude has never been satisfied with anything. You offer him three options for food and he says some nonsense like ‘gotta catch ’em all’ and then we have to go to three places,” said former college roommate Sarah Anderson. “We all just learned to not offer him options and pretend that whatever he had already done was the ‘best’.”
“I remember when his Squirtle car came in 2nd at the Cub Scout Pinewood Derby and he moped around for months muttering that this was just like ‘Indigo League’ or some other nonsense,” recalled Johanson’s father Friedrich Johanson. “Then we took him on the scout camping outing and he decided to ‘catch’ all the animals in that nature park. The family was banned from Boy Scouts and national parks because of that.”
People close to Johanson have said that there are already signs that he has begun to change as a result of lowering his expectations.
“When we were growing up, Hans memorized every Pokemon as new ones came out and even knew their type and attacks. He’d really beat himself up if he forgot something,” said childhood friend Peter Chu. “Last week when we talked he called a Pokemon ‘the purple one’ and you could barely see frustration in his eyes.”
Johanson has stated that he looks forward to joining the ranks of adulthood by adjusting to his new barely competent life. Johanson was unsure of where he would now get additional life philosophies, although he suggested that he may watch Digimon and get into whatever the hell that is about.