Man Reaches Final Form After Receiving Every COVID-19 Vaccine

NEW YORK, NY – A New York man has achieved a state of physical form beyond that of human comprehension after reportedly getting one of every kind of available vaccine for the coronavirus.

Brian Palmer, 32, managed to receive doses of the Pfizer, Moderna, and Johnson & Johnson vaccines after signing up immediately at three separate locations once they became available. Palmer originally had scheduled multiple appointments only to serve as a backup, but later decided to keep them, receiving a Johnson & Johnson shot and then initial doses of the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines all within a single week.

When Palmer received his final shot, a second dose of the Moderna vaccine, on Thursday, onsite nurses state that the syringe vaporized shortly after making contact with his arm. Palmer soon began to emit an extremely bright aura as the ground started to shake beneath him.

“It was as if he suddenly began to unleash an incredible amount of power,” said Sarah Campos, the nurse who administered Palmer’s final dose. “We tried to get him to wait for 15 minutes to ensure that there weren’t any other side effects, but he insisted that ‘nothing could stop him now’ and he teleported out of the facility.”

While individuals in some cases are known to experience different reactions, Palmer’s case is incredibly unique. Medical experts believe that the 32 year old New Yorker is now not only immune to the COVID-19 virus and all of its variants, but to every other human ailment in existence.

“We already know that in clinical trials the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines have shown to have a 95% efficacy rate. We never imagined what would happen if someone were to combine all of them,” stated Dr. Gregory Hill, a vaccine researcher at NYU Langone Health. “Such power is beyond the limits of what was previously thought to even be possible.”

Despite the results of this individual case, the CDC does not recommend that people attempt to get multiple vaccines. The health agency said that it was concerned that Americans wouldn’t be able to handle the responsibilities of so much power, considering many can still barely be trusted to properly wear a mask in public spaces.

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Sustaining on instant noodles and a wavering DSL connection, it is uncertain how Vestro has continued to survive let alone still form a cognitive thought. Regardless, he still manages to come out of his soba induced coma now and then. He can be found spending his time pretending to understand Japanese media as well as picking up the remaining shards of his broken dreams.