SIMFEROPOL – The new attorney general for the Autonomous Republic of Crimea, Natalia Poklonskaya, was exposed as an anime girl in disguise by Japanese fans.
According to fan art obtained by Anime Maru, Poklonskaya is actually a 15 year old junior high student from Osaka. She is indeed of Russian origin, but inexplicably lives in Japan and speaks fluent Japanese. She loves stuffed animals and pink pajamas, and is prone to blushing and awkward, hesitant speech around cute guys. There are also unconfirmed reports that she is voiced by Hanazawa Kana.
However, Poklonskaya was undeterred by these recent revelations and was all business at a recent press conference regarding her newly independent nation, where she praised the support of Russia: “All of us in Crimea are delighted to have been noticed by Putin Senpai,” she said, adding that Crimea has no desire for assistance from what she called “The Barack Obaka Administration.”