New Report Concludes That 60% of Japanese Adults Are Actually Children

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TOKYO, Japan — Earlier this week, the Japanese government released a statement addressing the recent controversy that much of the nation’s adults are much younger than they appear.

Japan’s has struggled with workplace demographics for decades, and experts have long feared that due to low birthrates the nation would soon have difficulties maintaining its supply of labor. With this new revelation, it appears that the issue has not been with the birthrate at all, but rather the fact that a significant proportion of Japan’s adult population are actually children.

“I hired Hikari a few months ago. We were out drinking one night when she told us she couldn’t stay out too late because tomorrow was her first day of middle school,” Umeyoshi Satoshi, a manager at a printing company, told Anime Maru. “We thought she was a college graduate, but she was actually a 12-year-old girl with massive breasts.”

Indeed, if certain anime and manga are to be believed, the ages of Japanese people can be extremely difficult to physically determine. Minors are generally severely limited in the type of jobs they can hold, though some sources have claimed that middle schoolers make exceptional bartenders.

Prime Minister Abe Shinzou has expressed support for a policy where citizens are required to wear their age on their chest. This change will hopefully mitigate the massive spree of accidentally hiring or doing other inappropriate things with children. The Prime Minister made sure to remind all citizens bungaroogyiing your non-blood-related sister is still fair game.

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