Newly-Formed Senshado League Disbanded after First Match Results in Heavy Casualties

Hello readers, we are currently posting the top results from our first ever writing contest. We will be posting the top placing entries leading up to the grand prize winner’s post. Today’s entry is by onepunchmeme.

huw3agerOARAI, Japan – Public outcry and mourning are flood the conscience of this quaint seaside town after what was intended to be a friendly and benign game abruptly erupted into a massacre.

Senshado – literally “the way of the tank” – is a newly developed sport in which female crews engage in tank warfare against other teams of similar fashion. The sport itself is a direct inspiration from the anime series Girls und Panzer, which depicts a group of high-school girls forming a senshado team to prevent their school from closing down.

Earlier this year, the recently-formed Nippon Senshado Association (NISSHA) announced their very first scheduled match: a friendly scrimmage between Oarai Girls’ High School and Otonokizaka Academy. A sectioned-off forest near Oarai was designated as the arena.

The match commenced on a Tuesday afternoon on the 15th of November. However, by the time the match had been halted a half hour later, 15 participants had died and 17 were injured in varying degrees.

Many have placed the blame on the organizers for the outcome, citing their approval to use live, military-grade rounds for the event. NISSHA defended their decision, stating that doing so was “for the sake of authenticity” and to “emulate the anime as closely as possible”.

“In the anime, the tanks are fitted with league-approved armor to keep participants safe,” remarked a NISSHA spokesperson. “In Girls und Panzer, tanks would be pummeled with shells, crash, and roll over, but nobody would get seriously hurt or die thanks to some added armor. It’s a shame this wasn’t the case.”

“When we heard that live rounds were going to be used, we got really scared,” recalls survivor Yukari Hoshinoru. “The only training we really ever got was firing dummy rounds at targets and spending hours on World of Tanks. We were totally unprepared.”

“Our comrades died in the saddest of ways,” explains another survivor, Masaki Gahara. “Houtarou-senpai was very inspired by Nishizumi-san from the anime, so she would poke her head out of the top hatch, just like in the anime. But our tank was hit by shrapnel, and she just slumped over, and that was it. People would also get mowed down by machine-gun fire while trying to escape their burning tanks. It was horrible.”

The participants also complained that the issued school uniforms and miniskirts failed to provide adequate protection, particularly against the numerous hot metal surfaces. Of the 17 injured, six suffered burns and four were hospitalized in critical condition.

“Our hearts and condolences go out to the families and individuals who have been affected by this tragedy,” said a NISSHA spokesperson at a press conference this morning. “We will halt all activity indefinitely until we can ensure something like this will never happen again. However, this won’t stop Saori-chan from being best girl.”

About the author

How do I even explain this? "Uhh...I write for a satirical publication. But it's kinda niche." Haha nice. And for the millionth time Brian, getting off on underaged anime girls isn't pedophilia. Also, Illmatic is the greatest hip hop album of all time.