Op-Ed: Guns are the Only Way to Stop the 30-50 Feral Hogs Terrorizing My Village

Lady Eboshi
Business Owner, Irontown

I am a local small business owner in the village of Irontown. My business employs a large percentage of the town’s population, and I even give jobs to the disabled. However, all of that economic stimulation is threatened by a pack of 30-50 feral hogs that terrorize the woods surrounding my village.

I have found conflict with the feral hogs to be unavoidable, as they attack my family for merely being in the area and attempting to mine resources. Traditional weapons are not enough to stop the hogs, but guns have thus far proven tremendously effective. I have even managed to kill the leader of the hogs through a combination of bullet wounds and lead poisoning.

Some have ignorantly dismissed my concerns by suggesting that I merely build a fence around my village. I have already built a giant wooden wall around my village, but this has not stopped the advance of the hogs. They are in league with a local pack of wolves, who are able to scale the wall and run into my village within 3-5 minutes.

My village’s small children are not safe, both from being attacked and from being recruited as feral children who join the hogs’ side and try to assassinate me.

Despite all of this, some immigrants in my village have complained that my gun use has “caused the hogs to turn into demons and spread a curse upon the land.” However unfortunate, these are the necessary sacrifices required to protect our property and our lives.

I am currently working with an independent contractor named Jigo to use guns to finally eradicate the feral hog problem. As Jigo put it, gun ownership is our god-given right. Actually, I think his precise quote was, “God ownership is a gun-given right.”

About the author

Bob_Squob is neither a Bob nor a Squob, but they’re both common enough names to form an alias. After roaming the earth for 10,000 years with no purpose, he came upon Anime Maru, and thought to himself, “It is good. I will make my home here.” He currently resides in the darkness for fear that his taste in anime will be discovered and exploited as a weakness. Twitter: @Bob_Squob