Op-Ed: I Celebrate Umineko Day by Wondering What the Story Was Even About

Ted Harris
Telemarketer and an amateur detective

As October rolls in, the changing seasons once again force me to remember a tragedy I’d rather forget. But alas, on the 4th of October, a horrifying event occurred in the total darkness of night — I bought the visual novels Umineko no Naku Koro ni from Steam, totaling approximately 50 dollars.

Even today, every time I log on to Steam, I see these smirking anime faces in my library looking like they own the damn place. Despite spending hours and hours with the novels, I ended up incapable of solving the mystery at the heart of the series. As an intellectual and without mental shortcomings, I’ve decided to blame the novels instead for not making any sense.

I also posted art here so that you can see I’m a cultured person.

I consider myself a detective — living a lifestyle where I am looking to be constantly challenged by new, complex, and difficult things. In my circle of friends, people look up to me as a sophisticated person capable of high-level analytical thinking. Naturally, I became interested in Umineko once I heard it was a mystery novel described by many as a cult classic,

Little did I know the “cult” apparently referred to an actual cult, because becoming invested in a visual novel as ridiculous as Umineko is the eqivalent of the worship of literal witches and black magic.

So what was wrong with these “detective novels”? Everything.

The premise of the work seems to be that the main character, named Battler, is trying to prove that magic does not exist using a diabolical game of wits. I’m not sure if “Battler” is even a real name, much less a name any sensible parent would give to a child. But what constantly confused me was the effort Battler put into denying the existence of magic, even though he was actually constantly having arguments with real witches that demonstrated magical abilities. How dense must a person be to not acknowledge magic when someone turns into a pile of butterflies in front of your eyes? I don’t think David Blaine could pull that off. And it only got worse — I don’t understand how the “red text” only supposedly told the truth, but witches used it constantly to laugh. I don’t understand why the novels were marketed as “sound novels” instead of “visual novels”, what does that even make them? Not only were details like this immersion breaking, but they seemed almost insulting for a man of logic like myself.

This random dude came up while searching for Hercule from “Milky Holmes” but I decided to post it anyway because the mustache looked silly.

Worst offense however was how the novels itself failed to give a complete answer, and all of the mysteries ended up being unsolved. Feeling betrayed by the incompetence of the novels, I started searching the internet for answers the work itself failed to provide. There I stumbled upon an approximately 9-hour YouTube video, where a person tries to explain how the actual culprit was some minor character all along (ROSATRICE, using the in-game lingo, which I demonstrably mastered). Even if this explanation seemed ridiculous, I am pretty sure it is true, because I can’t believe someone would spend that much time trying to prove something and still be wrong.

So in conclusion: fuck you Umineko for being stupid. Wasting money, getting invested in the mysteries, it was all useless and only made me feel like a goat as a result. And for all the fellow detectives out there, if you want to see REAL classical detectives, check out the one and only Milky Holmes, not any of this impostor shit.

About the author

Hi I am dormaanon. Hi am from Japan. Your site is cute. Many many cute photo. I am in your site for many many time, but I no understando all. What you talk? What is your favorite discussion you say please? Sorry for my question. Bye bye America.