Op-Ed: The New Miku Game is Shit But You’ll Still Buy it


hiroyukiHiroyuki Itoh
Crypton Future Media

Yeah, you fucking trash weeb. I’m talking to you. We have the ultimate cash cow here, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

We know Project Diva X was shit, but you depressed fucks still bought it and played it. And we’ll keep doing the same. Future Tone is literally just a rip of our arcade games! It took us zero effort to make, and you pillow fuckers will still pay top dollar for it. This is too easy. I hope you know that at this point we’re trying to see how shitty we can make a game that you’ll still pay $60 for. It’s a challenge to us.

The game is just some MikuMikuDance sequences slapped together with some character models our team did over lunch. Throw on some button icons and outfit unlocks and now we’ve got a goddamn goldmine. But as long as you creeps can still play dress-up games with virtual Miku then I guess it doesn’t even matter what we do anymore.

Hell, even Vocaloid itself was too easy. It was a voice program that no one wanted until we got some unpaid intern to draw a fucking anime girl on it, then all of you motherfuckers went crazy for it. We swapped the hair colors and pitched bended some audio and now we have a whole lineup of these damn things. The best part is that you actually think these robotic script readers actually sound good. I can’t even understand what they are saying half the time, but I suppose you fucking weebs will go for anything that just has a few Japanese words in it.

Next I think we’ll just start splitting up the game and sell it as overpriced DLC. Can you imagine that? A bunch of shitty vocaloid music videos that you could watch online for free and you morons will still probably pay for it. Maybe even for those of you who are too brain dead to push buttons to screen prompts we’ll even charge money to unlock all the in-game items for you. Other companies get grilled for this but I bet you gullible fuckers will buy it up anyways. Keep buying weebs, I can’t wait to see how much we bank off of this release.


About the author

Sustaining on instant noodles and a wavering DSL connection, it is uncertain how Vestro has continued to survive let alone still form a cognitive thought. Regardless, he still manages to come out of his soba induced coma now and then. He can be found spending his time pretending to understand Japanese media as well as picking up the remaining shards of his broken dreams.