GETTYSBURG, PA — Josh Kennedy, forever alone otaku, announced today on a Reddit thread that he was glad he would never be killed by his friends in a similar way to the characters of Higurashi When They Cry. The reason he gave was not having any female friends or really anyone close enough to be considered a friend in the first place.
“Man, it was sick what happened to Keiichi. That would never happen to me! In fact I don’t even have anyone in my life close enough to get the chance. I guess there is no reason for me to be so worried about that anymore!” said Kennedy, using his user name WhenICryNow, in a comment with just 2 upvotes on an r/anime thread about the latest episode of Higurashi no Naku Koro ni Gou.
Other users on r/anime had differing reactions to Kennedy’s revelation.
“Yeah, for a frequent poster on r/anime he really says nothing interesting or controversial enough for anyone to even think about murdering him,” said Reddit User RenaYandreKawaii. “And that’s pretty rare, most of us frequent posters have multiple people who have come up with elaborate scenarios to eliminate us for the sins of our previous comments, and justifiably so.”
“It is kinda sad to have no one who cares about you enough to go crazy and kill you,” said YunoAnswerArc7. “Like I’m pretty sure my cat Shion is going to kill me in anger for not filling her bowl enough at some point.”
People that know Kennedy from Gettysburg College, where he is majoring in “Japanese Studies”, were asked by our Anime Maru correspondent for their thoughts.
“I’d never comment on whether a student of mine has enough friends to be brutally murdered,” said Doctor David Tanashi. “And I’m not saying that as a cover or anything. I have no idea who you are talking about.”
“Who?” said a normal looking woman in Kennedy’s Japanese 202 class who walked away refusing to give her name, email, or Hinamizawa Syndrome level to our reporter.
Anime Maru asked Kennedy for additional comments but he told us he didn’t trust us anymore and was busy dealing with a sore throat and very itchy throat rash.