‘Fate/Grand Order’ Revenue at All-Time Low After Latest Event Sends Entire Fanbase to Prison

Google search histories became a little bit safer today following the arrest of nearly every adult who had made a purchase in the popular dating sim/online casino, Fate/Grand Order.

The mass arrests were in direct response to the newest Fate/Grand Order event, where players were transported to a mystical world ruled by magical scantily-clad 12-year-olds. Upon completion of the event, players are gifted with one such minor to do their bidding in future events. Upon reaching the maximum level, players can receive a JPEG image which, for legal reasons, we are unable to claim to have seen. Those with enough luck, or money, can obtain additional underage soldiers for assistance with grinding more upcoming events.

Leading Japanese University to Introduce ‘Cells at Work!’ into Medical Course Curriculum

TOKYO, Japan — After the sudden surge in popularity of Akane Shimizu’s “Cells at Work!” manga series following its well received anime adaptation this season, the University of Tokyo has…

Portillo’s Reveals New ‘Darling in the Franks’ Hot Dogs

Portillo’s, a Chicago-based chain primarily known for its hot dogs, announced that it has begun to roll out a promotion for a new food item based on the popular anime…

Crunchyroll Indicted on Charges of Failing to Act as Nonprofit Charity

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Crunchyroll executives were marched out of corporate headquarters today following charges of violating the company’s goals as a total non-profit charity devoted solely to supporting the…

Japanese Bank Introduces Blu-ray Financing Program

Mizuho Bank, one of largest banks in Japan, recently announced a new financial plan specifically geared towards otaku. The program will allow individuals to take out loans on anime Blu-ray…

New Anime Convention is Solely for People With Those Ahegao Shirts

MIAMI, FL — The first ever Ahegao-con will take place this weekend, attracting thousands of people who wear that one shirt emblazoned with a bunch of orgasming hentai faces to…

Over $12 Million in Counterfeit JPEGs Confiscated by Authorities

San Diego, CA – San Diego authorities reported seizing a large quantity of illegal JPEGs in an anti-narcotics operation over the weekend. The bundles of counterfeit JPEGs included many copies…

NFL’s Mike Daniels Bullied by Local Anime Community

GREEN BAY, WI — Green Bay Packers defensive end Mike Daniels has come a long way from his humble New Jersey roots. The two-time Pro Bowler was recently profiled in…

Avex to Counter Piracy by Not Releasing Any Music at All

Media company Avex Group announced at a recent shareholder event that it would begin to take actions against music piracy and unauthorized importation by simply refusing to publish any more…

Horde of Fucking Losers Congregate in Nation’s Capital This Weekend

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A massive gathering of anti-social manchildren that spend all day arguing on the internet is scheduled to take place this weekend in the Washington D.C area. Obsessed…