Portal to Sengoku Period Opens During ‘Blood Moon’; Classical Heroes Offer Simple Message


KYOTO — Magical properties from the “blood moon” — the first lunar eclipse of 2014 — triggered a tear in reality and opened a temporary pathway to the Sengoku period.

A few of the period’s most famous figures appeared in the modern era and had a simple plea for anyone who would listen.

“Please stop making shitty anime about us,” said Sanada Yukimura. “It’s embarrassing.”

Other figures from the period shared Masamune’s sentiment, explaining their confusion with the basic concepts of animation playing off the famous period in Japanese history.

“Why are we portrayed as young women so often?” said Akechi Mitsuhide. “I don’t really get it. Well, I mean, I’m made into a cute girl sometimes, which is kind of confusing, but I guess I can sort of see the appeal. And then I get paired with other girls … Wait, no, stop doing this!”

The popular warriors engaged in dialogue with the heads of anime studios as long as they could. Unfortunately, the economic realities of the world put a stop to their goal of erasing all past, present, and future Sengoku era-inspired anime from this planet. However, they were able to negotiate a compromise.

“We get to approve figure designs and canon pairings in the anime,” said Date Masamune as he and the rest of the Sengoku era warriors headed back into the portal. “And by the end of the year, we’ll have a crossover special with the Kancolle girls. PUT YA GUNS ON!!!!!”


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Emerging from the ultraviolent urban sprawl of the 1980s, Shinmaru is the Angel Cop, the 34th Mad Bull, the Wing of Garzey, and The Almighty King of the Street. His taste is total trash. Twitter: @Shinmaru