TOKYO, Japan — Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe has announced that he is retiring due to health issues in a press conference held Friday. He also said he would be taking his army of almost unstoppable mechs with him into retirement.
“Even though there is one year to go until my mech army will be completely unstoppable, I have decided to step down as Prime Minister due to issues with my health,” said Abe. “I need to focus on recovery — and a near unstoppable army of mechs by my side will make me feel extra secure.”
World leaders and political commentators expressed well wishes to Abe, as well as confusion and alarm about the seemingly unstoppable army of mechs not previously disclosed to the public.
“I felt that the era of secret government mech armies was a thing of the past,” said reporter Toji Aida. “I could see an army of moe, but mechs? This seems dangerously old fashioned unless we find out all the pilots are preteen magical girls.”
Aida’s criticism of “Abe no mechs” resonated widely through the Japanese population, and the hashtag #安部のメカ” was trending nationwide on Saturday.
“I respect Abe and wish him well in his retirement and recovery,” said Chinese President Xi Jinping. “I hope the next prime minister has less secret plans for unstoppable army of mechs, but if they get an otaku prime minister we will need to triple the security on our secret gender switching hot springs.”
Anime Maru also reached out to American anime fans related to the army of mechs but as they only said things like “sounds cool!” and mispronounced Japanese words, we felt their comments were not worth reporting at this time.