Republican Candidates Debate Who is Which ‘Love Live’ Idol


CHARLESTON, SC — Republican Presidential front-runners met Thursday night for the sixth Republican National Debate and the first one of 2016. Having already exhausted important topics such as immigration and national defense, the primary topic of this debate was which Love Live idol each candidate personified. Below are the highlights of the debate as reported by the Anime Maru political team.

8:58 p.m.: The candidates take the stage, and are introduced by moderator Neil Cavuto.

9:02 p.m.: First question goes to Donald Trump: Which Love Live idol do you think you are, and who do you think the other top 9 highest polling candidates are?

Trump claims that he is Honoka, describing himself as a “boisterous, strong-headed, naturally-born leader who will somehow be elected President.” He went on to attack Jeb Bush as “more of an Umi, who you’d think would be the one in charge but who doesn’t have the stomach for it.”

9:10 p.m.: Jeb Bush retorts that he thinks of himself as more of a Nozomi, because he is the “wisest and most even-headed of this group with the most experience”.

9:25 p.m.: Trump: “You’re not Nozomi, Jeb, Chris [Christie] is Nozomi, he’s the only one with the boobs for it.”

Christie responds that he is more of a Hanayo, ” driven towards my goals while also loving carbs.”

9:41 p.m.: The moderator asks Ben Carson about the economy, noting that President Obama claimed in his State of the Union address earlier this week that the economy is doing well.

“What? Oh, I’m Miki Hoshii,” Carson responds. When prompted by the confused moderator, Carson apologized for falling asleep.

9:50 p.m.: Rubio is asked a foreign policy question, but declines to answer and instead resumes talking about Love Live. The Florida senator claims that he is Kotori — “kind of boring, but inoffensive enough and cute enough to clearly be the right choice.”

“Mr. Cruz on the other hand is clearly Nico, a conniving asshole who’ll do anything to get what he wants.”

9:59 p.m.: The Republican-leaning crowd boos the mention of Yazawa Nico’s name. Cruz objects, claiming that Nico is more fitting of Rand Paul.

10:04 p.m.: Paul takes issue with being compared to Nico.

Cavuto: “Mr. Paul, we didn’t invite you to this debate.”

Paul: “My name was said, that means I get a chance to speak. Look Cruz, nobody wants to be Nico but somebody has to be, and that’s clearly you. I’m obviously Eli, because I put aside my hate for the rest of you in order to get what I want.”.

10:20 p.m.: At this point, the moderator seems resigned and decides to ask Carly Fiorina which Love Live idol she is. Fiorina responds that she is Maki, as she can only barely hold back her contempt for everyone on stage.

10:31 p.m.: The candidates continue to argue about idols for approximately 40 more minutes, invariably claiming that the idol they identify as are the best. As no one noticed John Kasich was even on the stage, it was decided he was Rin.

About the author

Bob_Squob is neither a Bob nor a Squob, but they’re both common enough names to form an alias. After roaming the earth for 10,000 years with no purpose, he came upon Anime Maru, and thought to himself, “It is good. I will make my home here.” He currently resides in the darkness for fear that his taste in anime will be discovered and exploited as a weakness. Twitter: @Bob_Squob