Ryouta Kise to Replace LeBron James in Cleveland

CLEVELAND, OH — Now that LeBron James is off to Los Angeles, the Cleveland Cavaliers are left with the seemingly impossible task of replacing a generational NBA superstar and remain relevant in the Eastern Conference. The long road to rebuild their roster began this morning, as the team announced the signing of upcoming Japanese prodigy Ryouta Kise.

“This kid is going to be the best; his abilities are super-human,” Cavaliers general manager Koby Altman told ESPN Magazine today. “We’ve put him the room with some of the greats; Jordan, Bird, Shaq, Magic, OJ, and he not only learned all of their secrets, he eclipsed them”

Kise has reportedly signed a long term contract approaching a total value of $120 million.

“Just for basketball reasons, this is indubitably the number one signing this summer,” analyst Stephen A. Smith proclaimed on his talk show First Take. “But he’s also part time model? Quite frankly, the people of Cleveland will soon forget who LeBron even was! Greatest of all time husbando material.”

When it came to light that Kise is in fact a character from hit shounen series Kuroko no Basket, Altman doubled down, indicating it was his intention to slowly replace the existing team with the Generation of Miracles.

Head coach Tyronn Lue is expected to be fired this off season and replaced with Karasuno High’s Keishin Ukai.

Cleveland’s first game against the Lakers next season will take place in November, and pit new Lakers acquisitions Lebron James and Seijuurou Akashi against their former teammates. Pundits and fans have already dubbed this upcoming Lakers’ visit to Cleveland a “Top 10 Anime Battle of All Time”.

About the author

Due to anime currently being classed as a schedule 8 narcotic, Heatfist currently writes for Anime Maru through a series hastily cobbled together VB tins and harmless upper middle class racism, broadcasting from a hidden bunker, located deep in the Australian outback. Communicates solely through sardonicism and second hand banter stolen from early 2000’s AMV’s.