Officials at the International Saimoe League announced their recent discovery that nearly all of the league’s competitors have tested positive for cuteness enhancing drugs banned by the competition and the law. The investigations into the league began when someone pointed out that last year’s winner Itsuka Kotori’s eye size was physically impossible for a normal human.
League officials have found that nearly every competitor in the league was on a cocktail of drugs to improve their performance. “Nearly every girl we’ve tested has been on a few basic drugs, such as lean chest builders, chipmunk-growth hormones, and all sorts of Deretone. Some of the competitors get into even more extreme substance abuse; we found several competitors were using Dramatalol to enhance their tragic backstories to appeal to voters. The drug use is so widespread that frankly we’re not certain how our suspension of disbelief lasted this long.”
Many girls within the league feel that their drug use was justified. Regular high-ranker Misaka Mikoto told reports, “Yeah, so what I was doping, everyone was. Do you think we’d be able to pull off this level of cuteness without any altercations to our body whatsoever? All we’re doing is bringing the potential of moe to new levels, the whole anime industry would collapse without systematic drug use.”
Officials, however, are not so blasé about drug use within the league. “Contestants may feel the need to use these drugs to compete, but when used improperly they can lead to devastating side effects. We’re still not certain how many drugs last year’s runner-up Mashiro Shiina was on, but we’re pretty sure they gave her autism.”
Following the disqualification of every competitor found to be doping, the Saimoe league titles have passed on to the closest runner up not on cuteness enhancing drugs, Sawa Nakamura from the Flowers of Evil anime.