Scientists Discover Cause of Common Cold in Little Girls: Rain and Low Temperatures

Rain Cold Study

ATLANTA — Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have made a breakthrough in research of the common cold in little girls: It is caused by being out in the rain too long and not warming up enough afterward.

CDC researchers presented the results of years of studies of young girls — most between the ages of 12 and 17 — who were put through rigorous tests involving being soaked from head to toe with water for up to 20 minutes at a time and walking around shivering afterward.

“I got the idea for this research method from some Japanese animation shows my son watches,” said Leo Oppenheimer, lead researcher at the CDC. “I noticed that many of the young ladies in those series would get sick after being out in the rain or cold for a while. That was the initial spark of inspiration for my research.”

The CDC embarked on a decade-long study involving hundreds of young girls being doused with water and walking around in cold temperatures afterward. They reported that a stunning 100 percent of them came down with colds afterward. When asked how many boys they had tested, however, they were less forthcoming with information.

“I dunno, maybe half of them got colds? Something like that. I didn’t really pay attention,” Oppenheimer said. “To be honest, it was way cuter when the little girls got sick. I could feel a little indescribable something in my heart when I looked down at them, all red-faced and coughing in bed.”

Oppenheimer said the CDC has no real plans yet for the data it has acquired and wishes to do more testing.

“In fact, I have to dump some water on some little girls right now,” Oppenheimer said before dashing out of the room.


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Emerging from the ultraviolent urban sprawl of the 1980s, Shinmaru is the Angel Cop, the 34th Mad Bull, the Wing of Garzey, and The Almighty King of the Street. His taste is total trash. Twitter: @Shinmaru