Shaft Announces Kizumonogatari Movie Release Date, End of World Imminent


Volcanoes erupted, seas were swallowed whole, the Earth split asunder, and the children of the world wailed as one earlier today as Shaft formally announced that the long-awaited Kizumonogatari film would hit theaters next January as the first in a three-part series.

Reports from across the globe have poured into major news outlets with claims of massive clouds of black screaming birds blotting out the sun, bloody tears raining from the heavens, and animals yelping in tongues known only to the in-human things that ruled this world before even the eldest of mankind’s ancestors first trod upon the its virgin lands. All signs, some claim, that the end time is finally upon us.

“It is literally impossible for the release of a single film to herald the end of the world,” claimed Andrew Clarence, a Professor of Religious Theory at the University of Texas. “Doomsday scenarios like these seem to pop up at least once a decade and never amount to anything more then a lot of rabble rousing and yelling on the internet, I honestly think that any person with half a brain would never buy into something as silly as this.”

According to sources that chose to remain anonymous, this is merely the last in a series of incidents that have foretold the coming End of Days since at least the mid 2000s:

“It all began when Duke Nukem Forever was released, and then, one after another, long delayed productions began to become reality. First it was God Eater, and now Kizumonogatari, I mean we’re one Blue Uru theatrical run away from the end of the not only the world but all of reality as we know!”

Shaft has responded to claims that the upcoming movie will usher in a thousand year reign of darkness by issue a press release stating that these rumors are patently false, and that the world world actually end after the release of the third Kizumonogatari film.

Discussion of the news on the internet has been mixed, with most quickly tiring of any and all morbid discussion of the smell of burning souls that now wafts through all the waking world, and returning to more important things, such as once and for all deciding who is “best girl.”


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The Queen of the Monster Girls from a distant planet, Fluffy Harpy first came to Earth with the intention of conquering it. She is however quite lazy, and has since given up on that goal and now fills her days with anime, video games, and occasionally writing for this very site. Someday she will show you all. twitter: @fluffyharpy