WASHINGTON, D.C. — A law adopted by Congress as a lark has spiraled into what a few are calling the greatest civil rights battle of the 21st century.
Rep. Grace Napolitano, D-Calif., was frustrated one day at the lack of legislative progress Congress has made recently. She sarcastically introduced a bill that nobody would care about. This bill called for cosplay of the character L from the anime “Death Note” to be made illegal. Anyone dressed as this character would be arrested on sight.
Democratic legislators pushed the bill through in support of Napolitano’s joke, while Republican legislators went along with it to spite Napolitano. The law was signed by President Barack Obama, who was very confused as to why this law appeared on his desk and wanted to get on with his day.
“We never thought that any police officers would be ridiculous enough to actually enforce this law,” Napolitano said. “It was just a joke that went too far.”
However, police departments across the nation took the law very seriously. L is known for dressing in a long white shirt and jeans, with unruly black hair. Anyone who looks like this has been arrested on the spot by police for the past two weeks.
“Well, uh, police are sworn to uphold the letter of the law,” said U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder, tugging his collar nervously. “So unless the law gets repealed, there’s really nothing we can do.”
Anime conventions have predictably been hit hard, with SWAT teams conducting regular raids in search of L cosplayers, but there’s another group of people who have been hit hard by this law: slobs.
Slobs have long been a fan of the plain white t-shirt and jeans combo, because it’s a quick and easy outfit and low maintenance. Many also have wild hair because they tend not to wash it. These traits have left them an easy target for arrest, even though many of them have no idea what “Death Note” is.
“I got arrested on the way to the 7-11 to get a hot dog,” said Jimmy John of Nevada. “I just put on a quick outfit because I wasn’t planning on being out that long, and all of sudden I’m under arrest because the cops say I look like some kind of fucking anime character. If that’s not discrimination, then I don’t know what is.”
A group of slobs has created an Internet petition to repeal the L cosplay law. As of publication, it has 43 signatures. Nobody has created a physical petition yet, because they are afraid of going outside, and also because it’s hot and therefore more comfortable to stay in bed in the shade. They have also been flooding legislators’ emails with calls to repeal the law.
“Oh, is that what’s been keeping me from accessing my inbox?” Napolitano said. “Maybe if they stop acting like such slovenly children I’ll think calling for a repeal of the law.”
Slobs are unamused by the treatment being given them by police and politicians.
“This is a violation of our civil rights,” said John. “I can’t think of a single group in world history that has been as badly mistreated as us. It’s not my fault this is a good, comfortable look for me and the basis of my entire wardrobe! I won’t stand for this discrimination any longer! We must gather and fight!”
John then fell over while trying to navigate through the pizza boxes and empty soda cans scattered throughout his room.